Why the name?

June 3, 2009 at 1:00 am (personal)

So Yes, I know it’s been about a year since I set up this blog and finally decided to write on it, but I was pretty busy writing about other, more ‘academic’ things as opposed to about social situations. Anyway, the point is I needed something to inspire me in order to get my rant on. However, this is not a rant, it’s more of an explanation about why I chose the name I did. Years ago, I realized that because of the way I was raised (as a Catholic, good, ‘respectable’ girl), I was unable to reconcile some of the more visceral, hedonistic and slightly vocal and opinionated parts of myself. For years I’ve managed and presented different faces an different aspects of myself to different people in order to suit my needs and the various ‘masks’ I had to present to the world and/or different people. Don’t get me wrong. They are all aspects of me, but they are all very different from one another and the fact of the matter is that the part of myself that I am most comfortable with is the part that does not behave as a modest or well mannered girl. She is feisty, fiery, loud, opinionated, pushy, demanding and very strong willed. She is also free spirited and unfortunately at times doesn’t care what other’s think so she can come off as a biotch. She is also the dominant part of my personality, therefore, I was not only taught, but pretty much pushed to keep that part of myself under control. I consider that part of myself a true woman because she is the aspect that contains strength and is a fighter. The part that will not be defeated. However she is also my dark aspect. Prone to violence and rage. In other words, she’s kinda what our society not only allows but condones in men as bravado. During my teenage years that part of me brought out my creativity in prose, poetry and other forms of writing and people, especially my peers loved it because I said what they felt and wanted to say, but were too afraid to.

It not only brought me awards, academic and social recognition, it also brought out darker aspects of myself that were over emotional and which led me to play with and indulge the darker aspects of my personality (which teenagers usually do) but which meant more for myself because my creative streak lends me to feel things very deeply and intensely because I have always been very sensitive to things (people, places, situations, etc..) and because of more mystical parts of myself and family heritage that do not fall under the category, understanding, or acceptance of traditional religions. Thus, I blended what I chose to take out of Catholicism with Indigenismo and practiced a syncretism of the two, that I’m sure traditional Christianity and Christians will never accept, but that fine by me since my experience with and beliefs in spirituality are and always have been personal.

Over the years, that darker aspect of myself came and went, but even when it wasn’t fully active, it lingered in feelings of sorrow, loss and an incompleteness that I have never been able to rid myself of. I am a melancholic person who feels things to the core and I’ve always felt like I’m trying to remember a part of myself or a life I once lost. However it comes from a deep love of life and the beauty and love I feel for the world (this world and reality that I am in) that I feel sorrow in recognizing my own mortality and that of humans in general. It is the sadness I feel in recognizing that I will one day have to say goodbye to this that makes me at times indulge in that feeling, but it is only because of love and my never ending search for knowledge and my inquisitiveness that I feel so deeply. At times these feelings have led me to darker aspects of myself and it is through those experiences that I learned why I feel them.

As I’ve grown through the years I have found ways to manage those feelings, and I’ve also learned what happens when I let that vivacious part of me run rampant without any control. Boy, is she sure a hell of a good time–provided you’re not the one that she wants to tear open a new one in. If you ever were, I apologize, but in truth, you probably deserved it. She’s been pretty funny, wild and in your face. But hey, thank god I don’t always let her out. The last time she reared her pretty little head and sexy attitude, she lost total control and made the party a real balls to the wall party. It is because of that experience and the fun AND damage that she caused that I led me to finally led me to decide to give her a name. Alas, NICKY was born. From the subsequent information I gathered from friends and the person that I love the most, I learned that the ME that I know, was nowhere to be found, expect after the deeds were done and the night was over. Then, it was all apologies. I named her NICKY, like the male version and spelling of the name and not the female, NICKI, because quite frankly she is more like a man. Still a straight female, but what you’d expect from a man and at times that extends to flirting with women. Now you know, I warned you.

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